Interview With a Paper Toy

BEAUTY

INTERVIEWER: Let’s start with beauty. What’s your morning routine?

PAPER DOLL: I wake up flawless.

INTERVIEWER: That’s it?

PAPER DOLL: I’m printed that way. Skincare would be an admission that the cardstock has failed.

INTERVIEWER: No moisturizer?

PAPER DOLL:  Absolutely not. That’s just papier-mâché, waiting to happen.

 

CUISINE

INTERVIEWER: What’s your relationship with food?

PAPER DOLL: Mostly visual.

INTERVIEWER: Favorite cuisine?

PAPER DOLL: Anything photographed from above.

INTERVIEWER: Why from above?

PAPER DOLL: Finally, an angle that respects my anatomy.

INTERVIEWER: Do you ever get hungry?

PAPER DOLL: No.

INTERVIEWER: Lucky.

PAPER DOLL: I also can’t have Champagne, so let’s not romanticize it.

 

DESIGN

INTERVIEWER: What’s your design philosophy?

PAPER DOLL: Form follows function.

INTERVIEWER: Very Bauhaus.

PAPER DOLL: Unless the form is cuter.

INTERVIEWER: Then what?

PAPER DOLL: Function can catch up.

INTERVIEWER: What’s the biggest design mistake people make?

PAPER DOLL: Assuming every empty space needs something in it.

INTERVIEWER: You feel strongly about negative space.

PAPER DOLL: I spent years on a sheet of it.

 

FASHION

INTERVIEWER: Fashion is obviously important to you. What makes a great outfit?

PAPER DOLL: Fit.

INTERVIEWER: Fabric?

PAPER DOLL: Irrelevant.

INTERVIEWER: Construction?

PAPER DOLL: Optional.

INTERVIEWER: Then what do you mean by fit?

PAPER DOLL: The shoulder tabs stay behind my neck, and the skirt doesn’t suddenly fall off in public.

INTERVIEWER: Has that happened?

PAPER DOLL: We agreed not to discuss Milan.

 

GAMING

INTERVIEWER: Are you a gamer?

PAPER DOLL: Gaming is one of my most loved hobbies.

INTERVIEWER: What are you playing right now?

PAPER DOLL: Mostly psychological games with the person trying to put my left shoe on.

INTERVIEWER: Console or PC?

PAPER DOLL: CP.

INTERVIEWER: CP?

PAPER DOLL: Construction paper, folded to look like I have my very own PC.

INTERVIEWER: So, you’re hot and witty?

PAPER DOLL: Are you hitting on a toy?

INTERVIEWER: Ahem, moving on. Favorite genre?

PAPER DOLL: Open world.

INTERVIEWER: Really?

PAPER DOLL: Yes. I’d like to see one someday.

 

LIFESTYLE

INTERVIEWER: People online are obsessed with lifestyle routines. Walk me through your typical day.

PAPER DOLL: I lie completely flat until somebody needs content.

INTERVIEWER: That sounds peaceful.

PAPER DOLL: It is, until somebody says, “Where did her other sneaker go?”

INTERVIEWER: Do you practice wellness?

PAPER DOLL: I avoid humidity, direct sunlight, and children with scissors.

INTERVIEWER: Honestly, that sounds healthier than most wellness advice.

PAPER DOLL: Thank you. Hydration is extremely dangerous for me.

 

PLAYTIME

INTERVIEWER: Last one. What does playtime mean to you?

PAPER DOLL: Complete creative freedom.

INTERVIEWER: That’s surprisingly profound.

PAPER DOLL: Yesterday, I was an astronaut in a ball gown carrying a handbag shaped like a telephone.

INTERVIEWER: And today?

PAPER DOLL: I’m apparently doing press.

INTERVIEWER: Do you ever wish people would take you more seriously?

PAPER DOLL: I’m a toy.

INTERVIEWER: Fair.

PAPER DOLL: But I do have representation.

INTERVIEWER: An agent?

PAPER DOLL: A manila folder.

 

Whaddaya mean, go ahead, answer one more?! We agreed—I have a paper cut at 5:30, then an origami massage!

INTERVIEWER: Before you go, we need to discuss something readers have noticed.

PAPER DOLL: That sounds, um… fun.

INTERVIEWER: There are three extremely muscular men in your pool area.

PAPER DOLL: Are there?

INTERVIEWER: Yes. Two are in the pool.

PAPER DOLL: Huh.

INTERVIEWER: And the third is in the hot tub.

PAPER DOLL: That sounds like excellent spatial planning.

INTERVIEWER: They’re all shirtless.

PAPER DOLL: It’s a pool.

INTERVIEWER: They appear to be bodybuilders.

PAPER DOLL: I don’t discriminate against fitness.

INTERVIEWER: Why are there three of them?

PAPER DOLL: Pool maintenance.

INTERVIEWER: The man in the hot tub is maintaining the pool?

PAPER DOLL: He specializes in heated systems.

INTERVIEWER: None of them appear to be doing any maintenance.

PAPER DOLL: They’re union.

INTERVIEWER: They’re also two-dimensional.

PAPER DOLL: We all have flaws.

INTERVIEWER: Do they live there?

PAPER DOLL: I don’t ask questions about their personal lives.

INTERVIEWER: You’re literally checking the mail in front of your house.

PAPER DOLL: And yet somehow I’m the nosy one.

INTERVIEWER: So your official statement is that the three ripped men permanently lounging in your pool area are maintenance workers?

PAPER DOLL: Correct.

INTERVIEWER: What do they maintain?

PAPER DOLL: Morale.